How long will it haunt me?

Four letters. NICU. Almost 3 months later, the thoughts and images still haunt me. When I have anxiety, I'm pretty sure it's because of those 5 horrible days.

My sweet Cooper was born on a Tuesday and as you may have read in my previous post, was sent to the NICU on Wednesday night. The really sad part is that nothing was ever truly wrong with him. The doctor told us on Thursday morning that he was almost positive that Cooper had a pseudo seizure because he was brain activity was perfect. It's not that I'm trying to re-live the moment, but it's on my mind and I have to write it down.

Anxiety. Pain. Heartbreak. Guilt.

When a woman becomes a mother, all you want to do is hold your sweet baby. The baby you just carried for approximately 9 or 10 months. You want to kiss him/her. You want to hold them tight. The day after my baby was born, he was taken from me. I had to walk into a somber place where all I could do was stare at him and touch his hand. Now don't get me wrong, there were very sick babies in the NICU. And my heart broke for those parents as well. But seeing your baby like that is not something I would wish on anyone.

Finally after 5 days in the NICU with perfectly good health, they let me take my baby home. Where he belonged. By that point, I was annoyed that they had kept him so long. I know they only wanted to make sure he was okay. I know they had good intentions.

My post partum depression has mostly left me. For that I am thankful. I do however still have some anxiety even with my medications. I guess it's just one of those things you will always remember.

I am letting go of my guilt.

My beautiful boy will be 3 months old next week and we are enjoying every minute. 

Our choices as parents are...our choices

Before becoming a parent, I never truly knew all the decisions you make and the impact they have on your child and on you. While pregnant I learned that such topics as circumcision, pain relief during labor, co-sleeping and bed sharing, pacifiers, even how much you hold your child are all controversial topics. As a mother of a boy, circumcision was a decision we had to make. Pain relief, pacifiers, where our baby sleeps and holding our baby "too" much or spoiling him are decisions we make daily.

As a parent of an almost 3 month old, I, along with my husband, have made many decisions together. My point is that they are our decisions. We are intelligent adults. The choices we make affect us and our child. They do not affect you, you, you, or you.

Now that I am in a position as a mother, I respect choices that others make for their children. I feel that as long as the parents are not putting their child in danger, they should not be given unsolicited advice. I am not saying however that I mind if another mother says, "This worked for us because...how do you do it?" You can discuss ideas with other mothers and not make each other feel wrong.

My 2 month old

My days with a 2 1/2 month old go a little something like this...on a good day. :)

He wakes up about 6:30 or 7, hungry. He eats and I drink my morning coffee. We usually just sit around and he's pretty quiet in the mornings. He will want to eat again within an hour and a half or two hours. After that he usually falls asleep until 11 or 12. Most days I rest during this time too.

He, of course, wakes up and eats again. I try to get some lunch in at some point. If he's not fussy, he will sit in his bouncy seat or his swing. Although, he doesn't like his swing much. He's usually awake for a few hours and eats again. Then he takes another nap.

Daddy and Grandma get home about 3:30. When they get home, I usually take time to do something I couldn't do during the day. I like to take a nice long shower or nap if I didn't earlier.

Cooper will sometimes sleep in the evenings, sometimes not. Now that he is getting older, he's sleeping less during the day. He likes to interact more, cooing, smiling, and laying on his play mat. He loves looking at himself in the mirror. He also likes tummy time.

Most nights he will eat between 9 and 10 and then he will go to sleep and I will too. He's at the point now where we wakes at about 3 to eat and then not until 6:30 or 7. He has has slept all night- a full 8 hours - once.

Since he was born, he's suffered with some colic and tummy issues. They have gotten a lot better. There were a few weeks when he cried for hours in the evening. Gripe water helps A LOT! I highly recommend it.

It's amazing how much he changes day to day and especially week by week. He recently got his 2 month shots, which I think was harder for mommy. He was 10 lbs. 13 oz. :) The dr. said he is growing perfectly and will go back at 4 months for his next check up and shots. My baby is growing up fast. He makes me proud every day and I love him more & more. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done.

PPD & a first time mom

People will tell you all kinds of things about motherhood. "It's hard, but worth it," they will say. But I have learned that they can say whatever they want, you don't know until you are there in the moment.

After finally getting home with Cooper, my mom was off for about a week to help me out. Also, my mother-in-law visited for a couple of days. It was all so exciting and a happy time. I felt so blessed to have my healthy little boy that I dreamed of for so long. Then it happened.

I think the night after my mother-in-law left, I suddenly felt down. Sad. It felt like a big party had just happened and it suddenly ended. Now it was just me and a new baby. My husband went back to work and so did my mom. A few evenings when we were all home, I would suddenly get sad and want someone else to take Cooper. I would go to a room by myself and cry for no real apparent reason. Other times, Cooper would be upset and in turn, that would make me cry because I felt like I couldn't help him.

One day when Cooper was about 3 weeks old, I had a doctor's appointment to talk about my feelings of depression. Tim was leaving work early to take me. That morning, Cooper had started to cry and I got completely overwhelmed and just started bawling. I called my mom and work to talk to her. I need help, I told her. I can't do this. Tim was suppose to be coming home maybe 2 hours later, but I was far too upset to be alone. I called him and told him to please come home now. That day was when I realized this was not "baby blues". I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression.

I knew with my family history of depression and my own history of anxiety that put me at risk. But since I was already on medication, I thought I could dodge it. Nope. My doctor told me of course my feelings were completely normal and increased my anti-depressant dosage. My 6 week checkup was 2 weeks later and she would see me then. I felt a little better, but still scared of these feelings. I didn't feel like I could be alone with Cooper all day every day having these intense crying spells.

My mom, being the wonderful mother she is, worked it out so that she could switch shifts at work to be with me during the day. She would be there until 2 and then Tim would be home at 3:30. I felt some relief. For about the next week, the feelings of depression felt like they were getting worse. Some days I felt I wasn't good enough for Cooper. Some days I just wanted to hold him and other times I needed my mom or Tim to take over so I could have a few minutes. Along with the depression, my anxiety (which I've suffered from since I was about 15) had flared up some. I would sometimes have panic attacks at random times.

A lot of my feelings stemmed from his birth and having to be in the NICU. I still feel some guilt like it was somehow my fault. I am getting over that though and know that there was nothing I could do. 

Cooper is now 2 months old and I am feeling so much better. My mom just went back to her regular shift last week and I'm doing well alone with him during the day. Of course when he cries because something is wrong, I don't like it, but I'm not getting so upset like before. I think with time, prayer, and just a little more medication, I was able to get through this tough time. I love my sweet boy so much. He is truly a blessing.

My first week as a mom

-->

My first week as a mom was not what I had expected to say the least. Cooper was born on Tuesday, April 2. We had a pretty typical day at the hospital on Wednesday. I fed him and changed him and he went to the nursery so I could rest some.

I was having trouble sleeping so that night about 10 the nurse gave me a sleeping pill. It worked pretty quickly. At midnight, I woke to one of the resident doctors who helped deliver him saying something was wrong. They believe Cooper had a seizure while in the nursery and he was going to be transported to the NICU 30 minutes away. I was stricken with pain, shock and fright. She said they were going to try to release me so that we could follow him up.

The next several hours are a blur. Tim and I both jumped up and gathered our things while waiting on the nurse. She came in and gave me brief discharge instructions on my healing process. We went to the nursery and kissed him. We left the hospital a few minutes before they left with Cooper. They said we wouldn’t be able to see him for a couple of hours so when we got there, we found a hotel to rest. It was about 2 a.m. at this point. Tim pulled out Cooper’s hat from the hospital and we held it in our hands together and cried. I said a prayer and we fell asleep.

When we woke it was 6 a.m. so I called the hospital to see if we could see him. We could. Nothing could prepare us for what was next. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t great. He was lying on a warming bed with wires coming from his little head. The nurse explained that the monitor was recording his brain activity to check for any more seizures. He also had a small tube in his mouth because he had air in his belly.

My heart sank and tears began to stream down my face. I could touch him, but I couldn’t rub him and definitely couldn’t pick him up. My heart broke into a million pieces.

I have to admit, that day is a blur too. I know we saw a doctor at some point. We slept some. We cried more. After waking at 10 that night and eating, I missed him so bad I couldn’t stand it. The great thing about the NICU is you can visit 24/7. So we went to see him before going to sleep again.

The next day, Thursday, the doctor took the wires out of his head and I could hold him. The most painful thing as a new mother is being told you can’t hold your baby. I do not wish this on anyone. He also said that because Cooper had no seizure activity they believed Wednesday night was a pseudo seizure. He acted like he was having a seizure, but nothing happened in his brain. One sigh of relief.  That day we could also feed him. He started on small amounts because his belly was a little upset.

The next couple of days, they took his IV out, checked his jaundice levels and just monitored him. Friday and Saturday night, the hospital gave Tim & I a room to stay free of charge. It was easier being right there in the hospital. My mom drove down every day to be with us and visit him. Looking around at the other babies in the NICU, I felt so blessed that my little one was doing so well. The nurses in the NICU were like angels. I honestly don’t know how anyone does that job. It must be one of the hardest on Earth. Not only were they concerned about our baby, but they were concerned about me healing from childbirth.

Finally on Sunday, after we kept thinking we were going home, Cooper was put in a room with us in a crib. He came to our room around dinnertime. We could take care of him and the nurses would take his vitals a few times and be there if we needed them. Tim and I took turns getting up to feed him and the night went very well. We fully expected to take our little man home the next day.

The next day, Monday, April 8, the doctor came and talked to us and checked Cooper out. He said the magic words. We were going home. Cooper would be a week old the next day. Within the hour, we were loaded up taking Cooper home where he belonged.

I must also mention for those of you who don’t know, April 8 is the day my daddy went to heaven three years ago. It was a very emotional day. Thank God we got to take Cooper home that day.

My first week as a mom was the longest and most tiring ever. I wasn’t up all night feeding and rocking him. I was up all night visiting him in the NICU, crying and praying. I’m thankful that God got us through this and it only brought us closer together.

My birth story

Cooper Grant Baldwin. 4/2/2013. 9:15 p.m.

7 lbs. 9.3 oz. 19.5 inches long.

I kept thinking Cooper would come when I kept having Braxton Hicks contractions for days, but they never got close together. At 7 a.m. on April 2, I woke up and went to the bathroom. Tim was getting ready for work. He would’ve been leaving in about 5 minutes or less. I went back to the bedroom and sat on the bed and boom! My water broke. I first yelled for Tim, but realized he couldn’t hear me. I went out to the kitchen and told him. He was so excited and I was shaking like a leaf. My first phone call was to my mom at work after I figured out what I was doing. She was so anxious but soon on her way. Tim & I got the last things together that we needed for the hospital and once my mom arrived, we headed to the hospital.

When I arrived at the hospital, they checked me and I was 3 cm and about 80% effaced. Contractions hadn’t started yet so I wasn’t in any pain. I got put in a room, hooked up to my IV and the anesthesiologist came to discuss my epidural. Still, no pain yet. About 30 minutes later, boom, I felt the worse pain of my life. I was in tears with contractions so they hurried the epidural up a bit. I honestly had no idea how bad contractions would hurt. The epidural was heaven and I didn’t feel that needle going in at all.

The next several hours went by. I was checked and tried to rest. About 5 p.m., I was almost fully dilated. They decided to let me push once, but Cooper’s heart rate dropped a little. Then they said it would be best if I could labor down since I wasn’t in any pain and just wait until he was a little more ready. 

At 8 p.m., it was time. I felt the urge to push. It was originally going to just be Tim and I in the delivery room. But my mom knocked on the door and we told her to come in. It just seemed right for the three of us to be there as he was born. My contractions were still about 3 minutes apart, but I started pushing. And at 9:15, my beautiful baby boy was born. I cried the happiest tears I have ever cried. He was perfect. 

Bring it on April!

So, after more than 9 long months, tomorrow is finally April! In some ways it seems like I just found out I was pregnant. In other ways it seems like that day at the beach was forever ago. I sure have been through a lot and it's all been worth it.

It's so hard to believe that tomorrow is April 1 and my due date is only 10 days away. I had my last appointment on Friday and I was still 3 cm. I hoped for more progress but at this point that is still good. I go back on Wednesday when I officially hit 39 weeks. No date has been set but if nothing happens first, I'm hoping to be induced on Thursday or Friday. Since I'm making progress and I'm in a lot of pain, the doctors feel it's okay to give him a little push.

Tim & I are so excited to become parents. We've shared our love for one another for so many years now and are ready to share it with our little one. So many people are anticipating Cooper's arrival. He will be here very soon. I already feel like a mommy, but looking into that face will be a whole new thing.

((10 days or less))