Four letters. NICU. Almost 3 months later, the thoughts and images still haunt me. When I have anxiety, I'm pretty sure it's because of those 5 horrible days.
My sweet Cooper was born on a Tuesday and as you may have read in my previous post, was sent to the NICU on Wednesday night. The really sad part is that nothing was ever truly wrong with him. The doctor told us on Thursday morning that he was almost positive that Cooper had a pseudo seizure because he was brain activity was perfect. It's not that I'm trying to re-live the moment, but it's on my mind and I have to write it down.
Anxiety. Pain. Heartbreak. Guilt.
When a woman becomes a mother, all you want to do is hold your sweet baby. The baby you just carried for approximately 9 or 10 months. You want to kiss him/her. You want to hold them tight. The day after my baby was born, he was taken from me. I had to walk into a somber place where all I could do was stare at him and touch his hand. Now don't get me wrong, there were very sick babies in the NICU. And my heart broke for those parents as well. But seeing your baby like that is not something I would wish on anyone.
Finally after 5 days in the NICU with perfectly good health, they let me take my baby home. Where he belonged. By that point, I was annoyed that they had kept him so long. I know they only wanted to make sure he was okay. I know they had good intentions.
My post partum depression has mostly left me. For that I am thankful. I do however still have some anxiety even with my medications. I guess it's just one of those things you will always remember.
I am letting go of my guilt.
My beautiful boy will be 3 months old next week and we are enjoying every minute.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Our choices as parents are...our choices
Before becoming a parent, I never truly knew all the decisions you make and the impact they have on your child and on you. While pregnant I learned that such topics as circumcision, pain relief during labor, co-sleeping and bed sharing, pacifiers, even how much you hold your child are all controversial topics. As a mother of a boy, circumcision was a decision we had to make. Pain relief, pacifiers, where our baby sleeps and holding our baby "too" much or spoiling him are decisions we make daily.
As a parent of an almost 3 month old, I, along with my husband, have made many decisions together. My point is that they are our decisions. We are intelligent adults. The choices we make affect us and our child. They do not affect you, you, you, or you.
Now that I am in a position as a mother, I respect choices that others make for their children. I feel that as long as the parents are not putting their child in danger, they should not be given unsolicited advice. I am not saying however that I mind if another mother says, "This worked for us because...how do you do it?" You can discuss ideas with other mothers and not make each other feel wrong.
As a parent of an almost 3 month old, I, along with my husband, have made many decisions together. My point is that they are our decisions. We are intelligent adults. The choices we make affect us and our child. They do not affect you, you, you, or you.
Now that I am in a position as a mother, I respect choices that others make for their children. I feel that as long as the parents are not putting their child in danger, they should not be given unsolicited advice. I am not saying however that I mind if another mother says, "This worked for us because...how do you do it?" You can discuss ideas with other mothers and not make each other feel wrong.
Monday, June 10, 2013
My 2 month old
My days with a 2 1/2 month old go a little something like this...on a good day. :)
He wakes up about 6:30 or 7, hungry. He eats and I drink my morning coffee. We usually just sit around and he's pretty quiet in the mornings. He will want to eat again within an hour and a half or two hours. After that he usually falls asleep until 11 or 12. Most days I rest during this time too.
He, of course, wakes up and eats again. I try to get some lunch in at some point. If he's not fussy, he will sit in his bouncy seat or his swing. Although, he doesn't like his swing much. He's usually awake for a few hours and eats again. Then he takes another nap.
Daddy and Grandma get home about 3:30. When they get home, I usually take time to do something I couldn't do during the day. I like to take a nice long shower or nap if I didn't earlier.
Cooper will sometimes sleep in the evenings, sometimes not. Now that he is getting older, he's sleeping less during the day. He likes to interact more, cooing, smiling, and laying on his play mat. He loves looking at himself in the mirror. He also likes tummy time.
Most nights he will eat between 9 and 10 and then he will go to sleep and I will too. He's at the point now where we wakes at about 3 to eat and then not until 6:30 or 7. He has has slept all night- a full 8 hours - once.
Since he was born, he's suffered with some colic and tummy issues. They have gotten a lot better. There were a few weeks when he cried for hours in the evening. Gripe water helps A LOT! I highly recommend it.
It's amazing how much he changes day to day and especially week by week. He recently got his 2 month shots, which I think was harder for mommy. He was 10 lbs. 13 oz. :) The dr. said he is growing perfectly and will go back at 4 months for his next check up and shots. My baby is growing up fast. He makes me proud every day and I love him more & more. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done.
He wakes up about 6:30 or 7, hungry. He eats and I drink my morning coffee. We usually just sit around and he's pretty quiet in the mornings. He will want to eat again within an hour and a half or two hours. After that he usually falls asleep until 11 or 12. Most days I rest during this time too.
He, of course, wakes up and eats again. I try to get some lunch in at some point. If he's not fussy, he will sit in his bouncy seat or his swing. Although, he doesn't like his swing much. He's usually awake for a few hours and eats again. Then he takes another nap.
Daddy and Grandma get home about 3:30. When they get home, I usually take time to do something I couldn't do during the day. I like to take a nice long shower or nap if I didn't earlier.
Cooper will sometimes sleep in the evenings, sometimes not. Now that he is getting older, he's sleeping less during the day. He likes to interact more, cooing, smiling, and laying on his play mat. He loves looking at himself in the mirror. He also likes tummy time.
Most nights he will eat between 9 and 10 and then he will go to sleep and I will too. He's at the point now where we wakes at about 3 to eat and then not until 6:30 or 7. He has has slept all night- a full 8 hours - once.
Since he was born, he's suffered with some colic and tummy issues. They have gotten a lot better. There were a few weeks when he cried for hours in the evening. Gripe water helps A LOT! I highly recommend it.
It's amazing how much he changes day to day and especially week by week. He recently got his 2 month shots, which I think was harder for mommy. He was 10 lbs. 13 oz. :) The dr. said he is growing perfectly and will go back at 4 months for his next check up and shots. My baby is growing up fast. He makes me proud every day and I love him more & more. Being a mother is the best thing I have ever done.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
PPD & a first time mom
People will tell you all kinds of things about motherhood. "It's hard, but worth it," they will say. But I have learned that they can say whatever they want, you don't know until you are there in the moment.
After finally getting home with Cooper, my mom was off for about a week to help me out. Also, my mother-in-law visited for a couple of days. It was all so exciting and a happy time. I felt so blessed to have my healthy little boy that I dreamed of for so long. Then it happened.
I think the night after my mother-in-law left, I suddenly felt down. Sad. It felt like a big party had just happened and it suddenly ended. Now it was just me and a new baby. My husband went back to work and so did my mom. A few evenings when we were all home, I would suddenly get sad and want someone else to take Cooper. I would go to a room by myself and cry for no real apparent reason. Other times, Cooper would be upset and in turn, that would make me cry because I felt like I couldn't help him.
One day when Cooper was about 3 weeks old, I had a doctor's appointment to talk about my feelings of depression. Tim was leaving work early to take me. That morning, Cooper had started to cry and I got completely overwhelmed and just started bawling. I called my mom and work to talk to her. I need help, I told her. I can't do this. Tim was suppose to be coming home maybe 2 hours later, but I was far too upset to be alone. I called him and told him to please come home now. That day was when I realized this was not "baby blues". I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression.
I knew with my family history of depression and my own history of anxiety that put me at risk. But since I was already on medication, I thought I could dodge it. Nope. My doctor told me of course my feelings were completely normal and increased my anti-depressant dosage. My 6 week checkup was 2 weeks later and she would see me then. I felt a little better, but still scared of these feelings. I didn't feel like I could be alone with Cooper all day every day having these intense crying spells.
My mom, being the wonderful mother she is, worked it out so that she could switch shifts at work to be with me during the day. She would be there until 2 and then Tim would be home at 3:30. I felt some relief. For about the next week, the feelings of depression felt like they were getting worse. Some days I felt I wasn't good enough for Cooper. Some days I just wanted to hold him and other times I needed my mom or Tim to take over so I could have a few minutes. Along with the depression, my anxiety (which I've suffered from since I was about 15) had flared up some. I would sometimes have panic attacks at random times.
A lot of my feelings stemmed from his birth and having to be in the NICU. I still feel some guilt like it was somehow my fault. I am getting over that though and know that there was nothing I could do.
Cooper is now 2 months old and I am feeling so much better. My mom just went back to her regular shift last week and I'm doing well alone with him during the day. Of course when he cries because something is wrong, I don't like it, but I'm not getting so upset like before. I think with time, prayer, and just a little more medication, I was able to get through this tough time. I love my sweet boy so much. He is truly a blessing.
After finally getting home with Cooper, my mom was off for about a week to help me out. Also, my mother-in-law visited for a couple of days. It was all so exciting and a happy time. I felt so blessed to have my healthy little boy that I dreamed of for so long. Then it happened.
I think the night after my mother-in-law left, I suddenly felt down. Sad. It felt like a big party had just happened and it suddenly ended. Now it was just me and a new baby. My husband went back to work and so did my mom. A few evenings when we were all home, I would suddenly get sad and want someone else to take Cooper. I would go to a room by myself and cry for no real apparent reason. Other times, Cooper would be upset and in turn, that would make me cry because I felt like I couldn't help him.
One day when Cooper was about 3 weeks old, I had a doctor's appointment to talk about my feelings of depression. Tim was leaving work early to take me. That morning, Cooper had started to cry and I got completely overwhelmed and just started bawling. I called my mom and work to talk to her. I need help, I told her. I can't do this. Tim was suppose to be coming home maybe 2 hours later, but I was far too upset to be alone. I called him and told him to please come home now. That day was when I realized this was not "baby blues". I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression.
I knew with my family history of depression and my own history of anxiety that put me at risk. But since I was already on medication, I thought I could dodge it. Nope. My doctor told me of course my feelings were completely normal and increased my anti-depressant dosage. My 6 week checkup was 2 weeks later and she would see me then. I felt a little better, but still scared of these feelings. I didn't feel like I could be alone with Cooper all day every day having these intense crying spells.
My mom, being the wonderful mother she is, worked it out so that she could switch shifts at work to be with me during the day. She would be there until 2 and then Tim would be home at 3:30. I felt some relief. For about the next week, the feelings of depression felt like they were getting worse. Some days I felt I wasn't good enough for Cooper. Some days I just wanted to hold him and other times I needed my mom or Tim to take over so I could have a few minutes. Along with the depression, my anxiety (which I've suffered from since I was about 15) had flared up some. I would sometimes have panic attacks at random times.
A lot of my feelings stemmed from his birth and having to be in the NICU. I still feel some guilt like it was somehow my fault. I am getting over that though and know that there was nothing I could do.
Cooper is now 2 months old and I am feeling so much better. My mom just went back to her regular shift last week and I'm doing well alone with him during the day. Of course when he cries because something is wrong, I don't like it, but I'm not getting so upset like before. I think with time, prayer, and just a little more medication, I was able to get through this tough time. I love my sweet boy so much. He is truly a blessing.
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