People will tell you all kinds of things about motherhood. "It's hard, but worth it," they will say. But I have learned that they can say whatever they want, you don't know until you are there in the moment.
After finally getting home with Cooper, my mom was off for about a week to help me out. Also, my mother-in-law visited for a couple of days. It was all so exciting and a happy time. I felt so blessed to have my healthy little boy that I dreamed of for so long. Then it happened.
I think the night after my mother-in-law left, I suddenly felt down. Sad. It felt like a big party had just happened and it suddenly ended. Now it was just me and a new baby. My husband went back to work and so did my mom. A few evenings when we were all home, I would suddenly get sad and want someone else to take Cooper. I would go to a room by myself and cry for no real apparent reason. Other times, Cooper would be upset and in turn, that would make me cry because I felt like I couldn't help him.
One day when Cooper was about 3 weeks old, I had a doctor's appointment to talk about my feelings of depression. Tim was leaving work early to take me. That morning, Cooper had started to cry and I got completely overwhelmed and just started bawling. I called my mom and work to talk to her. I need help, I told her. I can't do this. Tim was suppose to be coming home maybe 2 hours later, but I was far too upset to be alone. I called him and told him to please come home now. That day was when I realized this was not "baby blues". I was suffering from Post-Partum Depression.
I knew with my family history of depression and my own history of anxiety that put me at risk. But since I was already on medication, I thought I could dodge it. Nope. My doctor told me of course my feelings were completely normal and increased my anti-depressant dosage. My 6 week checkup was 2 weeks later and she would see me then. I felt a little better, but still scared of these feelings. I didn't feel like I could be alone with Cooper all day every day having these intense crying spells.
My mom, being the wonderful mother she is, worked it out so that she could switch shifts at work to be with me during the day. She would be there until 2 and then Tim would be home at 3:30. I felt some relief. For about the next week, the feelings of depression felt like they were getting worse. Some days I felt I wasn't good enough for Cooper. Some days I just wanted to hold him and other times I needed my mom or Tim to take over so I could have a few minutes. Along with the depression, my anxiety (which I've suffered from since I was about 15) had flared up some. I would sometimes have panic attacks at random times.
A lot of my feelings stemmed from his birth and having to be in the NICU. I still feel some guilt like it was somehow my fault. I am getting over that though and know that there was nothing I could do.
Cooper is now 2 months old and I am feeling so much better. My mom just went back to her regular shift last week and I'm doing well alone with him during the day. Of course when he cries because something is wrong, I don't like it, but I'm not getting so upset like before. I think with time, prayer, and just a little more medication, I was able to get through this tough time. I love my sweet boy so much. He is truly a blessing.
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